Made It !

For those of you in doubt, I did survive Christmas. I did pretty well if I must say so myself. Yes, I had my moments but I realize that I must allow myself to grieve. C hates to see me cry so badly that I feel uncomfortable crying in front of him now.

C believes that our marriage was miraculously healed of anything from the past when my Mom passed away. He believes that her death has a purpose and that is to make us realize how important our marriage is and how we should overlook the past and the "little" problems that we have had. Well, in my book, my husband not having a job and helping to keep our family afloat financially and him being totally dependent on me in almost every way, me not being at all sexually attracted to him, his spending compulsion (works well with the whole "no job" thing), and his verbal abuse are not "little things." I am still trying to love him but it hasn't happened yet.

P and I have seen each other a few times since my post a couple of months ago. The last time was at my house. I can hear the gasps now. I know that I broke the rules with that one but C was out of town and P and I only had a short amount of time to spend together so it seemed senseless to spend the cash on a hotel room. He was so nervous the entire time that he was there that I am not sure he enjoyed himself at all. I had to coerce him to come over in the first place. He told me "even I have some morals." He did tell me that he would spend more time there with me if C no longer lived there. Statements like that confuse me and make it even harder to separate the two relationships. I try to look at each situation independently but I could not help but think how nice it would be to have him in my home with me more often. But he would still be married, I guess. So would things really be any different? I think at times that I had rather spend as much time as possible with the man that I love than to spend all my time with someone that I have so little desire to be with. But that is not the "right" way to approach this.

The first time that P and I met after we began talking again, we met at a hotel and I was very nervous because this was the first time that I had seen him face-to-face since I had confessed my true feelings for him. I had asked him not to call me or see me and risk all that we both have to lose if he is just looking for someone to fuck because it is just not worth it. He still wanted to see me. I gave him the room key to go on in while I got a few things out of the truck and when I got to the room, he was lying on the bed still fully dressed (unusual!). I laid down next to him and he just laid there and held me in his arms for a few minutes. I could have cried but I couldn't let myself. I didn't think that those arms would ever hold me again. I asked him if he was sure that he was OK with being there with me and he said "yes" and asked me the same question. You know what my reply was.

He held me so tight against him and started kissing me like he didn't think he would ever kiss me again. We were facing each other and I could already feel his cock getting hard, pressing against my leg. At the moment, nothing else mattered to me except feeling his cock inside me again. He began undressing me and I took my bra off for him since he has always had some difficulty with that and I was in no mood for anything to hamper our progress. He stands up next to the bed and strips down for me as I reach for his cock and feel the juices already oozing for me. I can't resist licking the drops from the head of his dick. Only recently did I find out that RB does not swallow. Could be one reason that he soo loves the blow jobs that I give him. He knows that I love the taste of his cum and eagerly will suck every drop from him. He pulls me over to the edge of the bed and slides my pants and panties off in one motion. We slid back up to the top of the bed with him on top of me just watching my face as he shoves his fat cock inside me. He knows that I love the feel of his dick pushing into me for the first time. He has told me several times that I have the tightest pussy that he has ever felt and he undoubtedly has the biggest cock that I have had the pleasure of having inside me. Maybe that combination is part of why we enjoy each other so much?


We stayed in the missionary position (something we normally do not do) until we were both cumming together (something that I have a hard time doing in this position!). I lay there afterward with my head on his chest, his arm around me rubbing my back, and we just talked. We both tell the other one things that we never tell anyone else.

There have been several things that he has told me that he has gone so far as to tell me that he has not told anyone else. During a recent phone conversation he told me that he slept with someone in his office. Before I receive mass comments on this one, I am glad that he told me. I WANT him to feel that he can be that open and honest with me. I have no desire to have a relationship with him in which he feels that he cannot be honest with me (or me with him) for fear of judgement or fear of his actions changing my feelings towards him. I have fooled around myself with a couple of guys that I have met through a certain online site and yes, I told him. After he told me that he slept with her, I just began to laugh and told him that I knew that was bound to happen eventually becuase he had told me before how she had been flirting with him so , knowing him as I do, I knew that it would happen. He told me that he had not told anyone else. I asked him why he chose to tell me and he answered me with the question "well you would tell me if you were gettin' some from someone else, wouldn't you?" I replied that I would but I wish now that I had asked him why it mattered to him at all.

Shortly after we got together the last time at my house (details later) RB approached him again about having been in contact with me since his crazy ass had called me from his cell phone AGAIN so I didn't talk to him for a short while when he was out of town and had no land line to call me from. During this time a bunch of crap had been going on at home with C and I finally wanted to tell P about all of it so badly that I just sat down and typed it all out in an email. This was the reply that I received:
"why can't you put his sorry ass out and find someone who loves you for you. there are plenty of men in this world who would love to have you for a wife. you know C is a fag anyway, why doesn't he want to fuck you every night, he's gay. i would have you broke in so my fat cock would slide into your ass all the way to my cum filled balls. your tight pussy would not be sooo tight after about a week in bed with me. you would not be able to sit down at work because of your sore pussy. i will come by the shop tomorrow and check my email and maybe call you."


I know that P cares about me. I just don't understand why he keeps risking all that he does to see me and why he is so upset that I am still with C. Why can't I just let P go and do the "right" thing? Damn love.

Blog.... Interrupted

Sorry I haven't been around for awhile. I know that you have all (2 of you) been sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for my next post. I just haven't been in the mood for the last few weeks. On Veteran's Day, with no warning, my Mother passed away. Yea, this sucks. Worse than anything has ever sucked in my life. Over the last few weeks I have come to realize that although it came as a shock to me, how it happened is a blessing in disguise. I did not have to watch her suffer like I did my Dad. He was in ICU for 8 weeks before finally breaking free from his tortured body. She did not have to endure this kind of suffering. I spoke with her at about 4:00pm that Monday and shortly after midnight, she had gone on to be with my Dad (at least that is my belief and I am not here to engage in any arguments on that point!). Unfortunately for me, she was doing what she loved most when this happened, she was traveling so that meant that I got to travel as well. We live in the South and she was traveling to Branson, MO with a local group when she started to have some chest pains/difficulty breathing. I spoke with her on the phone after they got her to the hospital and the last thing that we said to each other was "I love you." Couldn't have said anything any better if I had know what was to come. She made it about two hours after I arrived at the hospital but all of her organs had failed at this point so she never regained consciousness while I was there but I KNOW that she knew that I had made it there to tell her goodbye.

I am an only child and have admittedly been spoiled. No, not in the usual sense that folks think of as me having everything that I ever wanted handed to me on a silver platter but in the sense that I had all of my parents attention and I knew that they loved me more than anyone else on earth. They never tried to show their love for me by spending more more money on me and actually if I have learned my lesson from them,they were quite frugal and financially smart, I will be in good shape financially if I am careful. My Mother and I were very close, having "girl's night out" every week, and we even worked together. Needless to say, I feel a huge hole in my life now. But she was strong and I hope that she left some of her strength with me.


As far as P and C are concerned, they are both still in my life. Yes, I will catch you up on them in my next post. Thanks for sticking around!

Giving In

Well, as if you had not already guessed, I agreed to see him again. I know I shouldn't have. I know that I have no right to. I know that it is wrong. But I did. But I did send him an email before I agreed to this. My emails tend to be lengthy so I will summarize for you: if I was only in love with your cock, why did I take this so hard because we both know that I can get that need taken care of other places, you do know that I really love you, I cannot go through another episode like the last two months again because it hurt too damn bad, I know that I should just walk away from you but I don't want to, I realize that we both made commitments years ago that are difficult to break and I want you to tell me how you really feel because if I am only a "good fuck" to you and that is all that I am it is just not worth risking all that you have to lose if that is all I mean to you. Yea, that was the condensed version.

I did send him another email apologizing if I sounded angry in my last email and the last thing that I wrote was " It really doesn't matter if you say how you feel because your actions say so much that you have told me anyway." Not surprisingly the reply that I get back is his usual answer without a real answer. P sends me an email requesting that I send him an email telling him how I wanted him to fuck me. Guess this means we will be seeing each other again?He tells me that he enjoys reading my emails when he is out on the road working and he gets back to the hotel at night. He tells me that he reads them while he is stroking his dick and he imagines that it is me. Tells me how much he wants to put his fingers inside me and feel me quiver and tell him how badly I want to feel his big dick stretching my pussy as he crams it into me. He then tells me how hard he is for me and that he wishes that I were there to feel his hardness and lick the puddle of cum off of his belly. Then he asks me to write him back "dirty."

At this point viewing this situation through my pink (female) glasses I am trying to read between the lines. Is his desire to see me again in any way related to how he does feel for me or is it just simply his lust alone? Is this in some way his means of telling me that I have been right about the things that I have said about our feelings for each other or just his way of telling me that he only wants to fuck me again? Wish at times that I could borrow some blue glasses.... anyone willing to loan me a pair?

Living Hell

So to condense the next two months they were a living hell. P called me at work that following Monday to tell me that we could never talk again. I asked "never?" and he replied "probably not." He told me that I would be OK. I seriously doubted that but I had no choice but to accept this. He told me that I knew what he was up against, I guess as some kind of apology. When I hung up the phone I began to sob.

I missed P like crazy. Tried not to think about him but even when I kept busy during the day his memory would come back to torture me in my dreams. I continued to send him emails. He told me that he was deleting everything and shutting the account down but he didn't. Since I had set up the account for him and (not being mean or anything) had come up with the user name and password, I could check and see if he was still checking and reading my emails. Yea, I know all the guys and probably some of the women too are thinking what a horrible game that is. I guess I will admit that is true but did it let me know that he still thought about me. I poured out all of my thoughts and feelings in these emails. He was never going to read them so what did it matter? ;) Told him how much I missed him- everything about him- his voice, his touch, his eyes, his smile, his kiss, even how much I missed fucking him. Admitted that I should not have these thoughts or feelings but that I still did, try as I could not to. And it was a never-ending, internal battle to try to convince myself that it really didn't matter that much to me, that I didn't really miss him that much and, most of all, that I really didn't love him. Take it from me , you can lie to some people convincingly but not to yourself. It just didn't work.

His birthday was on a Friday. Of course I sent him an email telling him that although he would not hear from me that it was not forgotten. I had to fight with everything inside me to not pick up the phone. Can't remember if I mentioned this or not but the phone has been what got us busted every time before. She scrutinized every phone bill and he had left a text message from me on his phone for several days this last time and she picked up his phone and found it. That is what resulted in the call from her. I knew I couldn't call him but that didn't stop me from wanting to. He always checked his email several times a week but never emailed me back or contacted me in any other way.

About two months had gone by and I told myself that I would send him s text, just to see how he was doing of course. It simply said "hey, hope you are OK, miss you." I had changed my "bat phone" (disposable cell) number since the last time that we had talked so I took a chance and sent the text. Didn't hear from him during the day that day and wondered if he would even risk contacting me again at all. Well, that night as I drove home my "bat phone" rang. It was an out of state number. I figured it was P and it was. I asked him why he was calling. He said it was because I had sent him the text. I had even wondered if he would know that it came from me since he had never seen that number before. P had borrowed a cell phone from one of his guys to call me with. He asked me how I was doing, if I had been behaving myself, etc. Of course I never let him know that I knew that he knew exactly how I was doing and what I had been up to since he had in fact been reading my emails. I did tell him that I missed him. He told me that he would talk to me again and we hung up. The next morning I received this email from him:

OK I have been reading your mails, I think about all the good times we have had together. I always think about the last time you gave me that killer blow job, I really wanted to fuck you sooo bad that day but (friend's name) messed that up. I would love to see you again but I cant ever make a mistake with RB. if I was ever to see you again I cant mess up no matter what.Now you tell me you love me I don't think so. you are in love with my big cock, I can tell by the way you suck it. It is almost like you are in a trance when you are stroking and sucking my fat cock.I know you love the taste of my cum as it squirts into your hungry mouth. I like the way you hold my cock in both hands like you will never see it again. It feels so good when I put my dick into your tight pussy it is soooo tight it almost makes my cum the first time it slides in. Right now typing my dick is oozing its sweet juices if you were here you would be licking every drop that came out.I do think we can see each other again. Just remember RB has to come first you will never have me as long as she lives. But I would love to fuck you again. At this time this is all I can offer to you . I will understand if you choose not to go my way. Let me know if you are OK with this by e mail.


Well, at least he admitted to reading my emails. But what to do now............

The Last Time?

So we continued to get closer over the next few weeks. P called me and sent me texts more often. I felt like maybe he had a better understanding of where I was coming from. I had tried to be the NSA "friend with benefits" but I just could not do it. He had meant too much to me over the years and denying my feelings was not changing them.

I was leaving work one day the next week and I felt my phone vibrate. I checked and it was P. Strange for him to call me this late in the day.He told me that he was on his way back from a job and had become too tired to drive anymore so he had stopped for the night in the next state over. When I asked him what he was doing he said that he was hot when he got in so he was lying on the bed at the hotel naked. So then I thought I know where this is headed. We had never had phone sex but I had always wanted to but when I had called for that in the past he always had one of his workers in the room with him. When we start talking I realize that that is exactly what he has on his mind. He tells me that he had been reading one of his friend's magazines and in it they we giving advice on having anal sex and how to make it easier. I tell him that I definitely had not given up on that. He begins to tell me how hard he was and how much he wanted me. I told him that I wished I was there and he said that he wished I was there too. Then he realizes that I am off work the following day and begins to try to talk me into going to stay with him. Soooo tempting! Then he mentions that his anniversary was that weekend. He had asked RB to meet him but she had so much going on at work that she had told him that she couldn't meet him. So we are talking about what we would be doing if I were in the room with him when RB calls on the other line and he has to go.

He calls me back and tells me that her call ruined the mood. Strange thing to say about your wife, don't you think? Anyway, I take him back to thoughts of me being in the room with him and he is quickly in the mood again. He then starts to tell me what he would like to do with me if were there. His vivid description gets me so hot that I wind up pulling over into the far end of a parking lot since my mind is not on driving anyway. I happened to have one of my toys with me so it was not long before we were both cumming. I tend to be very vocal during sex and I think that this gets him off as much as anything. He tells me that he wishes that I was there to lick the cum off of his belly. I laugh and tell him that it would not be on his belly if I were there. Then C starts calling me like crazy so I have to let him go.

C has been hounding me all day about my plans for the evening but never would tell me why that was so important to him. I had been having some digestive issues (likely stress induced) so I told him that if his plans involved food that I probably would not enjoy it as much as usual. When I walked in the door at my house, all of the lights were out and I could hear soothing piano music. Walking through the house I am stepping on artificial flower petals. Not seeing C anywhere I walk all the way through the house back to the master bathroom. He is standing there next to the filled jacuzzi tub with a cold drink in hand for me. There are candles lit all around the tub. OK, I am human. I feel like S#%* at this moment. He had kept the bath water warm for me while I was having phone sex with P. Yea, even in my mind I feel guilty. He tells me that he knows that I have been stressed lately and he thought that this might relax me. I become nervous thinking that he is going to join me and expect something in return for his kind gesture. C then tells me that he is going out for awhile so that I can have some relaxing time alone. Whew!
After he leaves I sink into the tub, pop the top on my drink and cut the jets on. Even the jets cannot relax me at this point. I am in such a funk that I cannot even relax and enjoy this. Feeling obligated I sit in the tub for ten or so minutes then I get out, get dried off and put on something comfy. Sitting in my recliner, I begin to cry. Out of guilt, shame, bitterness, loneliness, and discouragement. I just sit there in the chair until C returns home. He asks if I enjoyed my bath and I tell him that I did and that it was very sweet of him to do that for me. He looks at me and says "but?" He knows that something is wrong and then I am mad at myself for not wearing a better mask. SO, here we go again with the "discussion" of whether I want to be with him or not, if I still love him or not, etc. etc. etc. He says some pretty nasty things to me (as usual) and the discussion escalates and I wind up feeling that our relationship is hopeless. I am feeling trapped. I want to go spend the night with P. I send him a text asking him if RB is coming down for the night. Well, she has decided to join him after all. So much for that plan! I still cannot stand to sit here with C. I tell him that I am going out for a drive and he doesn't want me to go because it is getting later and he tells me that he is worried about my safety. I tell him that I am leaving anyway and walk out the door. I drive to P's business and sit in the parking lot (it is back off the road and quiet) . I call a girlfriend and cry on her shoulder for awhile. I send P a text and asked if I could call him before I called the girlfriend and when I tried to call him back a couple of times later, he did not answer. I knew that she had not had time to drive there yet so I thought that maybe he had fallen asleep. C sent me a text asking if I was OK and asking me to please come back home. I did a short time after that and before I went to bed I checked my cell and yes, I had missed P's call.

Two nights later while I was having dinner with friends my cell rang and I did not recognize the number. P is the only person with the number to that phone. The person who had called left me a voice mail. It was RB. She wanted me to call her. I didn't really know what to do. She continued to call frequently and then sent me a text that we needed to talk. So, reluctantly, I finally called her. P answered her phone and told me that he guessed that we could not talk to each other anymore because it upsets her. This lets me know that all she knows is that we have been talking, nothing else. We talk for a moment and she finally asks to talk to me. She asks why we have been talking, tells me that he was supposed to tell me that he would never talk to me again but that it not what he told me, etc. etc. The conversation ends pretty uneventfully all things considered. I hang up and begin to sob intensely. I feel as if someone that I love has been suddenly taken away from me. And he has.

Admission of True Feelings

After our meeting at the lake I sent P an email the next day just to be sure that he understood that I didn't WANT to stop seeing him. This is the email that I sent him:

"Hey, hope you had a nice, restful weekend. Mine was pretty boring.Never even left the house Sunday but that was kinda nice. After C called me and hung up on me Wednesday night on the way home I don't think that he said ten words to me till Thursday afternoon. At least it was quiet in the house! Don't understand why he thinks that him treating me that way would make me want to be anywhere near him. Guess I just expect too much?
I hope that you did not get the wrong idea when we were talking right before I left Wednesday. I definitely do not want to stop seeing you but I know that at least for your sake that I should stop seeing you regardless of how I feel. I feel so incredibly selfish for wanting to see you when I know that you are married and what you are risking when you see me. I apologize for being so selfish and I really don't want you to think that I try to make things hard for you and I am sorry if I have. I tried for years in the past every time that you would call me or come by and you would try to get me to call you or meet you to just tell you "no" and convince myself that I didn't want to see you when I knew that I was really lying to myself. For several years I believed that I never would talk to you or see you again but after JM called me after I went back to work at ---- I wondered if he would tell you and I wondered if you would call. I wanted you to call. Several months before that I had tried to find you through the Internet. When I did find you and I saw RB listed as a family member and saw that you still had the same address I would not allow myself to contact you. I knew that you had moved on and had forgotten about me and I did not want to cause any trouble in your life if you were happy. But you contacted me anyway even though you knew that I was married and you told me that you had not been married long when you called. You insisted that I write your number down before we hung up. I still can't believe that you actually thought that I would not recognize your voice! Maybe JM's but never yours! I looked at that number every day and fought with myself to not call. Then when you called back again I knew that you wanted to talk me as much as I wanted to talk to you.
At first I thought maybe we would get together a few times and that would be it but neither one of us has really wanted to stop seeing each other. I can't believe that it has been well over a year now. It doesn't seem like it because I have enjoyed the times that we have had together but I know that this could end anytime and I truthfully don't want it to. A while back I started crying when we were together but I never would tell you why. Maybe because RB had called that day or maybe because I was worried a little about what was going on with me physically ,I just began to think that that day or any other day that I see you might be the last time that I see you. Yeah, I have tried to tell myself that I don't care and that it is no big deal but when we didn't talk for awhile a few months ago there was no way that I could argue with myself anymore, it does matter whether I want to admit it or not. I was not sure if I wanted to send this to you or not but you have always been a good friend to me (in addition to an amazing lover!) and I have always tried to be honest with you and you always make me feel open to tell you anything so I hope you are not too upset with me.Maybe all I am trying to say is that I missed you when I didn't hear from you for those years and I don't want to feel that way again.Just remember it is your own fault for spoiling me! Hope this wasn't too much for you. Can't help it that I am female. See you soon."



He read this email later that evening and he sent me a text immediately after reading it asking me to call him around 10:45pm. C was at home so I couldn't call him as much as I wanted to hear his response. I sent him a text back to call me the next morning. Yeah, I was a nervous wreck not knowing what reaction he had had to the email. Didn't hear from him the next morning even after sending him a text telling him to give me a call at work. Then I got really nervous. I sent him a text that afternoon asking if he was mad at me. He called me within half an hour and asked me first why I always think that he is upset or mad at me when he doesn't return my call quickly. I responded that I was afraid that he might be upset about the email. He said that he wasn't, just that he had been busy and hadn't been able to call. He never actually brought up the things that I had said in the email or how he felt in response. Things however did change for the better from that day on.

After that day he really began to be more attentive and responsive. Ordinarily if I sent him a text asking if he was busy (meaning is he working or free to talk) he would not usually respond if he was busy. That following Saturday I was in the mood to talk and could have been talked into some phone sex and I sent him a text asking if he was busy. It took him awhile to respond but within an hour he responded "yes." No biggie for most people but it meant alot to me for him to take time to text me back while he was busy working.

C's birthday was on Monday. He and his brother had had a disagreement the day before and I was afraid that he would not show up for C's birthday dinner and this would have been a repeat of last years celebration. Not pleasant for anyone involved. I had called C's brother the night before to tell him what C wanted for his birthday since their plans got messed up for that day and C was irritated at his brother. Well, when I began telling C's brother what he wanted for his birthday he began bashing his brother. Called him selfish, hard to please, and said that he acts like a three year old kid if he doesn't get what he wants. All of this is true about C and silly me, I chimed in. The old saying that blood is thicker than water must be true. C calls me at work on Monday and says to me "I think we have a problem." My heart starts pounding not knowing exactly what it is that we have a problem with. He proceeds to tell me that his brother has called him and told him everything that I had said about him behind his back. Does he mention that he is the one who started the bashing or any of the things that he had said? Well hell no!

Getting Spoiled

Sorry I haven't posted anything in awhile. Have tried to be more careful since C almost found out about my blog, affair, etc. through my carelessness at the computer. C has been somewhat better to me over the last few weeks so that has further added to my state of ultimate confusion. He even bought me a gift the other day for no reason. When I told a friend of mine about this, his first response was "well, what did he buy for himself?" Sadly he was correct. C didn't buy anything expensive for himself but yes he did buy something for himself that was more expensive than what he bought for me. I guess nothing new but I hate to sound ungrateful.

To get you caught up to speed, I have seen P twice since my last post. Seems like he wants to see me more often the longer this goes on. Does he feel any differently about me or has his lust just increased? Last week he gives me a call out of the blue and asks if I can get away that evening. I sift through my mind to come up with something that sounds somewhat feasible and tell him that I think that I can. He wants to know for sure because he wants to hook up his camper and have me meet him at his favorite place in the world, a lake about an hour North of here. The only bad thing about the location is that the drive time cuts into the time that we can spend together but it is almost worth it to have that kind of seclusion surrounded by that kind of beauty. Of course the ride up there always seems to take forever but as I rounded the last corner on that dirt road and saw that view it was so worth the trip, not to mention what "view" I knew I would be enjoying later.

He had just arrived when I pulled up and he had me park at the site next to his and told me that I could go on in if I wanted to while he got everything set up. I went in and I could tell that he had had the air conditioning running during the trip up which is about two hours for him. Sat down on the couch and stretched out my legs and realized how happy and content that I felt sitting there waiting for him. He finally gets everything set up and comes in and takes off his shirt and boots and grabs us a couple of beers from the cooler and sits down next to me. Then he informs me that he can't locate RB and is afraid that she might be on her way up. Great! I don't think that the more the merrier applies in this situation! He finally gets in touch with her at the house and asks her to remind him to bring something back up with him when they return the next day together.

After confirming that we are alone and should (hopefully) stay alone he stands up in front of me, leans over and kisses me. Once again this instantly gets me hot and wet. How is it that he has this effect and no one else ever has? He pulls me closer to him as I am still sitting and puts his knee on the edge of the couch against my aching pussy. He feels me push against him and leans down and unbuttons my jeans and pulls then off. He immediately kneels down and licks around my wet pussy with his warm, wet tongue. He tells me that he has waited all day for that and hearing him say that just gets me that much hotter. He stands up and lets his pants drop to the floor. I see that I am not the only one excited as I grab for his cock, now rock hard and lick the juice from his head. He moans and grabs my hair pulling my mouth farther down on his shaft. He asks me if I want to feel his cock inside me. I smile and say of course. He tells me that I have to cum, twice, before I can have it. I think to myself, he will never make it that long.

He motions for me to sit on my knees on the couch facing the back of the couch and he stands up behind me. He asks me if I had remembered to bring the anal lube and he gets the bottle out along with a toy that I had brought along.I cannot see what he is doing behind me but I hear the sound of the vibrator coming closer to me. He says to me "you like it when I play with you, don't you" and I reply that I love it when he plays with me. He opens the bottle of lube and begins to slather it onto his thick cock. Now, we have tried this several times without much success, I think in part due to his size. I purchased this special "booty" lube hoping for an easier entry this time. From the position that we are in, I can tell that this is not going to be easy since I can feel myself tensing up. I suggest we move to the bed and I lay on my stomach. Well, the lube helps some. We made it farther than we have previously but he can only make it so far in before the pain is just to much for me to have any pleasure from this so he stops. I tell him that I want this to happen and he tells me that he does too but that he doesn't want to hurt me and that it all feels good to him so we resign ourselves to try again later. He slides me to the back edge of the bed and stands behind me again. Teasingly he glides the head of his cock across my slick pussy. I push back against him and he slides in easily. I tell him that I don't believe that he is going to hold up to his earlier demand and he simply moans no. He begins to fuck me hard and fast, so fast that at one point I had to request that he slow down. Don't know why but in that position going at it that hard and fast makes me feel like my bladder will explode or something? Anyway after he slows down it starts to really feel good. I ask him if he is going to cum and a few seconds later he yells that he is cumming and then pulls out and I can feel his hot, thick cum spewing onto the small of my back. He falls down onto the bed next to me for a moment before he gets up and gets a towel to clean up his "mess". He is always the one that cleans me up after we have made love. For some reason, I think that is the sweetest,most thoughtful thing. C never has done that. I am always the one who gets up, gets a towel and cleans both of us up afterwards.

We get up and walk through the kitchen area and he climbs up into the bed area in the upper berth. I am looking up at him and he tells me how much he likes being up there. Looking out the window at the scenery and how comfortable the mattress is up there. He asks me to go up and join him. We lay there until after dark, just talking. Talking and laughing about everything and nothing. I am rubbing his back the whole time. He asks me why RB never rubs his back. He tells me that he rubs hers but she only returns the favor for a moment. He asks why she can't be like me. I tell him that he has just never had a woman spoil him. He tells me that RB came close but not enough to keep him from straying but that this (the back rub, I guess?) might do it for him but says that if we ever wind up together that this (the back rubs and such) probably wouldn't continue. I assure him that they would. And they would, as long as I have loved him and waited to be with him. I like to believe that I would be thankful for every day with him. He tells me that he had rather have the back rub than have a blow job. He asks me if I treated JM like that and I reply that I did until he treated me so badly that I hated him. P just says "that stupid MF!" (I guess for treating me that way and losing me?) He tells me things that I know he has not told anyone else, not even his friends and he does that because he knows that I will not judge him and we even laugh about some things that RB would probably bitch about. He tells me that she loves him (it has been awhile now since he has mentioned that he loves her) no matter what, unconditionally. I would argue that point with him but he has told me before that she just "thinks" that she knows him, kinda like my situation.

He leans over and kisses me again. I know that he has recovered from our earlier tryst and is ready to go again. But I am honestly concerned about the spot we are in. He is a big guy and there is not much room up there in the bunk. He decides to try it anyway and climbs on top of me. Begins to slowly, smoothly make love to me. Holds me tight. Gives me everything that he has. We are both burning up due to the lack of fresh air in that small area and we are both sweaty, stuck together but we are having a good time nonetheless. After he cums we climb down the ladder to breathe in some fresh air. For a big,rough,tough guy he sure is kind to me. He goes down the rickety ladder first and then helped me down, making sure that my feet were on each rung securely since it was pitch black dark in the camper by the time we got down.

We sat around awhile. I laid on the couch naked with a beer resting on my belly. More comfortable and relaxed than I had been in years. He sat down at his laptop to read my latest erotica story inspired by him. He tells me again how good of a writer that I am and how much he enjoys it when I email him stories like that. I go and stand behind him, casually rubbing his shoulders and scratching his back, looking over his shoulder at some things that he has been shopping for. I begin to realize that as much I would love to stay that it is getting late now and I really should go. I tell him that I have to go and he asks if I would like a shower first. He realizes that an entire bottle of shampoo has spilled on the floor of the shower making it treacherous. He cleans all of that while I sit behind him on the bed admiring his ass. He sets the water just the way he knows that I like it and gets a towel for me. Too bad that there is not room for two! I shower and reluctantly get dressed. He slides on his jeans to walk me out. I say to him that I really shouldn't be seeing him. He replies that anytime that I want to stop and us just remain friends to just let him know. Both of us know that this is not what either of us really want. We walk to the car and he opens the door for me, gives me a hug (reminds me that there are other people here watching) and tells me to be careful driving home. As I start up the gravel road the tears begin to fall. I decide to wait till I am about thirty minutes from home to call C so my timing will be about right to have been driving back from town. Well, he calls me first. First thing that he asks is " when the hell is my wife coming home?" I gave some reply and he hung up on me. I didn't bother to call him back. I called P to tell him what had just happened while contemplating turning around and going back to spend the night with P in the camper. Why would I want to go home and deal with C when he is acting like this? Finally got through to P (reception sucks up there!) and he tells me that he has just laid down, making that u-turn that much more tempting. I tell him what C calls and says to me before he hangs up. Before I lost contact with him all I hear him say is "Tell him..." and then I lose him. Guess I will always wonder what he was going to have me to tell him....

Will post about our next rendezvous next time.

Release

Finally got together last Thursday. C tried to keep me from leaving. Not sure that he believed my "coffee with a girlfriend" story but I left anyway. P and I had been sending emails back and forth all week that had me so hot that there was no way that I was missing out on this! As usual, I did not leave disappointed. Can't believe that he still wanted me the way that he did even though it was the "wrong time of the month" for me. Of course I did miss the enjoyment of him running his tongue in my pussy and he was surely disappointed too but we both had a good time nonetheless. Still wonder WTF he is thinking sometimes when it comes to location. This time was at his business on a couch right next to a solid glass door. What if RB had decided to come by and surprise him? Guess he would not have been the only one surprised huh?
How does he get me so turned on just by kissing me? Gawd I felt like I would explode when he ran his hand down the front of my pants and started to finger my swollen, aching pussy. Finally he gets up and takes off his jeans to reveal his thick, hard dick and pulls my pants off at the same time with his other hand. I lay there admiring the treat that I am about to receive. He lays back down on top of me holding both of my hands up above my head and begins to kiss the sweet spots on my neck. I am close to begging him to give me what he knows I want when he runs the head of dick across my pussy and whispers in my ear to ask if that is what I have been waiting for. I moan yes and he finally enters me. Oh that first thrust felt so damn good! He asks me if he is hard enough for me and I turn my head to the side and bite his bicep to answer yes. He pumps me hard a few times and then tells me how good my pussy feels to him. I ask him if he likes it tight and he just manages to whisper uh-huh. I can tell that he is getting too close too quick so I ask him to take it slow. I love to feel him pull out and push that cock of his in me as deep as he can and then hesitate for just a moment before doing it again. He always watches my face so closely to see my expressions to be sure that he is pleasing me. He surely doesn't have to do that because he always satisfies me but it sooo turns me on to look up and see him watching me. He tells me that he wants to cum in my mouth but he is unsure how I would feel about that given my current condition. Of course I always want to do whatever would please him the most but I selfishly want to feel his dick pumping me full of his hot juice. I ask him if he would sit up. He sits up on the couch and allows be to straddle him face to face. He repositions me slightly because he tells me that he wants to be sure that I have all of him. I begin to slowly ride him and I feel myself quickly getting close to climaxing. He bites my nipples gently. Grinding on him harder and faster he tells me that he is cumming which just pushes me on over the edge. We cum together and it feels so intense to me! I just begin to smile and wrap my arms around him and tell him how good he did (he always asks me "did I do good?" afterwards).
This is the point where I begin to feel sad. The time that we have together goes by so quickly and because it is always so short we make the best of it when we are finally alone together. There have been just a few times that we have had longer than a couple of hours to be together and I will tell about those in a later post but for the most part we talk on the phone or by email and spend our actual time together taking care of our built up sexual frustrations. P has made the statement before that it is "not like he doesn't get it at home" but several times when he has come back into town from doing a job he tries to see me before even going home to RB. I also brought some toys to a hotel when we met up a while back and I got the feeling that she doesn't bring much excitement to the bedroom. Knowing him as I do it comes as a bit of a shock to me that he has been with someone this long who seemingly does not share the same sexual preferences as he does. Maybe that is why I am here for him?

Disappointment.....

Well, foiled again. As usual RB takes a day off on the day that P and I plan to hook up. Somehow I think she has noticed a a pattern to the phone calls or something and figured out our most likely to meet up day. P finally checked into the email after I sent him a text on how to get in since he had forgotten how to access it. Once in he found the email that I had sent him a few weeks ago describing in detail what I would have done to him had I been with him in his truck on that day. I think it really caught him off guard! I returned from lunch and my boss told me that some man had called me twice while I was at lunch and sounded disappointed that I was not in. I just started to laugh. I knew that he had read that email and was dying to talk. Sure enough, about ten minutes after I got back from lunch, he calls. He asks "what the hell was that?" I laugh and asked if he liked it. He says that he did but now he has a hard-on that he can't get rid of and he has got to be in the truck with this other guy for another 7-8 hours! Guess I got a "rise" from him out of that one! (sorry!)

That night he tries to get me to meet up with him when he gets back into town- at 3:00am! I ask how I am going to explain that one- out for ice cream? I send him a text before I go to bed and tell him " I wish I could be there...." He replies with "you can- 3:00am." Then he sends another one after I have gone to bed so I get to read it the next morning. It said "wish-i-could-shove-my-fat-cock-n-your-tight-ass." That was some wake up call! On Wednesday he calls me and asks what time I get to go to lunch. Unfortunately I had called C about 20 minutes before to tell him that I was actually going to get to go to lunch so it would be impossible to cancel those plans. Damn! Oh well, I wanted more than a quickie anyway.


During one of our conversations P tells me that he came home recently after one of his jobs about 2 or 3 in the morning to find his wife standing in the middle of the bed raising hell at him for how long it had taken him to get home. She thought that it should have taken him about 2 and 1/2 hours to get home and it had taken him 4 hours. He tries to explain to her that it would have been impossible for him to have made it back in that time from the part of the state that he was in and that there was construction on the interstate close to home so he went the long way around to avoid just sitting in traffic. She still refuses to believe him. I made the statement, just joking around with him, that knowing him the way that I do there is no telling what pit stops he may have made along the way. For someone who claims that they are in this just for the sex, he sure got upset that I would think that about him. He asked if he had stopped at my house on the way home and when I replied no he said well then I went home just like I said that I did. Then he asks why "we" don't trust him. I felt kinda bad at that point that he felt that way because I actually do trust him.

Later I sent P an email that I almost regretted sending but it was too late to delete it because he had already read it. Basically in it I told him that I do trust him, that he has always been honest with me (even when it has hurt), that I don't want him to ever feel that he has to lie to me to keep me around and that he knows that there is noting that he cannot talk to me about. Over the last year or so there has been an understanding that we just don't get mushy or really say how we feel, because this is just a fling, right? Anyway, last year after an old friend of ours unexpectedly dies I call to check on P and I tell him that I know that what I am going to say is probably breaking the rules but that I do still care about him. His reply is "I know and that does not go unnoticed." Other than that conversation this has been the only other time that I have expressed any feeling towards him at all and I was afraid that he would run. Instead he tried so hard to see me the next day (twice). Guess I didn't scare him too badly?

Catch Up

So anyway after we saw each other for the first time, the inevitable has happened. We have seen each other every month or two for over a year now. We have both tried to end things several times. His wife knows that he has been talking to me. He had his cell phone bill changed so that it was not itemized. His wife called and had it itemized so that she can see who he is calling. I have bought him a pay-as-you-go phone that he has never used. I have two "bat phones" (as we call them) to try to keep him out of trouble. He continues to use the same cell phone to talk to me on that he receives the bill for at his home! He will still call me on the cell phone that his wife knows belongs to me. The other two she has suspicions about but cannot prove. We have met numerous times at his shop where any number of people who know him, including his wife, can pull up at at any moment. Somehow I just don't get why he keeps taking these chances?!

One of the last times that we were together we were lying there and I told him that we had the hotel room for the day so we needed to stay and enjoy it. He replied that we would likely get caught if we did that. Then he added "not that I don't want to ." That same day he told me that his wife has told him numerous times that if she catches him cheating on her that she will leave him and that he believes what she tells him. Then he looks at me and smiles and tells me "but I am still here." The last time that I saw him he tells me that he loves his wife, that he would never leave her but that he did not want to marry her. That she is a "good girl."Can anyone understand my confusion here? Anyone understand what might be going on in his head?

Why can't I seem to let him go? First I know that you have to want something to be able to do it and I don't want to let him go. I have missed him too much and for too long to just let him go. Is this relationship healthy? Probably not. Am I going to continue in it? Most likely, at least until I can convince myself that he really doesn't care about me and that it is just about the sex like he tells me it is. I guess that is he why he called me back several times to get more details after I called to tell him that I had to go back to the doctor after my annual visit for some other tests and why he called so quickly after I sent him a text message telling him that I missed him? One time when we were talking he said something and I told him that it was not my fault that he had chosen my ex over me. His reply was "yeah, that was my mistake." Why can't I tell myself that it is just about the sex, that this relationship doesn't really matter to me and that I can let it go? I know that I should but for some reason I just can't.

More history....

So I married C and I wish I could say lived happily ever after but that has not been the case. P continued to call me at work every few months to see how I was doing and always asked if we could get together. I knew better than to agree to see him because I knew how that would wind up. P continued to live with his girlfriend but had never married her( I will refer to her as RB). P actually came by to see me a few times over the years under the guise of needing my professional help (yeah right!). I moved on to another job and thought about him a lot during that time. Certain songs on the radio and certain places would bring tears to my eyes every time.
After a few years I returned to my previous job. I went online and tried to find P. Listed under the family members was RB with his last name. I knew he had married her after 10 years. I was upset but it was the inevitable. A couple of years after my return JM called me at work to ask my birth date so that he could get a passport. He told me that he was working for P and that they were going out of the country. After we hung up I wondered if and when I would hear from P. Maybe a month the phone rings at work and someone says hey. I was so shocked and happy that he had called. He actually thought that I had forgotten him and didn't even recognize his voice. As hard as I had tried I surely had not been able to forget him. We talked and caught up on things for a few minutes and then things at work got busier and I told him that I had to go. He insisted that before we hung up that I write him number down, which I did. Staring at that number and not dialing it took all the willpower that I could muster up every day.

Three weeks later he called me again and he accused me of not even writing him number down before. I told him that I had written it down but had been afraid to call him. I told him that C would not be home that evening so I would give him a call because he would be on the road traveling back from a job. We talked that night for at least two hours about everything. He told me things that he said that he had not told anyone else. It was so good just to hear his voice again and be able to be completely myself with someone again.

We talked over the next few weeks and he showed up where I work unannounced one afternoon. He walked in with sunglasses and I looked up and asked if I could help him because I was sitting at my desk and really not paying attention. He laughed and took his glasses off. I almost fell off my chair. I gave him a tour of the place and walked him back outside and we talked for awhile before I had to get back into the office. Before he left I asked him if I could have a hug and he gave me a hug and said that he would like to give me a lot more than a hug. I had been so nervous about seeing him again since it had been a few years and like most middle-aged women I had put on a few pounds and had a few lines that I didn't used to have on my face. He looked great to me. Yeah he had put on a few pounds too and I noticed a few lines around those eyes but that did not make me want to whisk him away to the restroom for a quickie any less! OMG how I had missed those eyes (and the rest of him!). Felt like I was in high school again and had been asked out by the most popular guy in school. Had not felt that happy in years.

Why I Am Here

I have been involved in an affair with a former boyfriend for over a year now. I feel a daily struggle with the guilt. Guilt because he and I are both married and I know that what we are doing could hurt a lot of people if it comes to light. For some reason writing is a form of therapy for me. After following a fellow bloggers affair history and realizing how much his writings have helped me I decided to begin my own.

The man I am involved with I will call P for short and to protect our identities. We have known each other and have been friends for over 20 years. He was my first husband's (I will refer to him as JM) best friend. P and I began seeing each other romantically after we went through divorces at about the same time due to unrelated circumstances. P would call to talk to JM who was never at home (one reason for our divorce!) and wanting someone to talk to we began to get closer. After our divorces were final he asked me out for a "practice" date since he had not been out with anyone other than his wife for ten years and he was nervous about reentering the dating scene and so was I. We went dinner at a local restaurant and we both commented on how comfortable we felt with each other. After dinner we went back to his sister's house where he was living at the time. I can still remember what I was wearing that evening. P came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me and began to kiss me on my neck. We drove back to my house and made love that night for the first time. The next morning he freaked out over us being together because he was JM's best friend and P felt guilty and disloyal. He left and later told me that we could not be together again.

Over the next several months we became closer and closer and shared things that we would not share with anyone else. We both dated other people and we would even discuss the people that we were dating but we still continued to see each other although each time P would say that this cannot happen again. There has always been an extreme physical attraction between the two of us and it seems that we cannot refrain from being intimate with each other when we are alone. We continued to see each other secretly for about eight months and at that point his aunt introduced him to one of her co-worker's and a short time later he moved in with her. We saw each other a couple of times after that but his moving in with her was confirmation for me that he could not get over the guilt that he felt and that things were likely not going any further for the two of us. I met a nice guy at work that at the time I though would meet all of my needs. I began to change my habits and friends to suit his preferences because I though that he was a good catch and that I should do whatever it took to hang onto him. Was I really being true to myself? No, but I was doing what I thought was the smartest and best thing for my future at the time. Did I still love P? Yes, but I thought that we could never be together and that I needed to move on. So I married this man ( I will refer to him as C) and tried to move on. I will continue our history in my next entry.