Catch Up

So anyway after we saw each other for the first time, the inevitable has happened. We have seen each other every month or two for over a year now. We have both tried to end things several times. His wife knows that he has been talking to me. He had his cell phone bill changed so that it was not itemized. His wife called and had it itemized so that she can see who he is calling. I have bought him a pay-as-you-go phone that he has never used. I have two "bat phones" (as we call them) to try to keep him out of trouble. He continues to use the same cell phone to talk to me on that he receives the bill for at his home! He will still call me on the cell phone that his wife knows belongs to me. The other two she has suspicions about but cannot prove. We have met numerous times at his shop where any number of people who know him, including his wife, can pull up at at any moment. Somehow I just don't get why he keeps taking these chances?!

One of the last times that we were together we were lying there and I told him that we had the hotel room for the day so we needed to stay and enjoy it. He replied that we would likely get caught if we did that. Then he added "not that I don't want to ." That same day he told me that his wife has told him numerous times that if she catches him cheating on her that she will leave him and that he believes what she tells him. Then he looks at me and smiles and tells me "but I am still here." The last time that I saw him he tells me that he loves his wife, that he would never leave her but that he did not want to marry her. That she is a "good girl."Can anyone understand my confusion here? Anyone understand what might be going on in his head?

Why can't I seem to let him go? First I know that you have to want something to be able to do it and I don't want to let him go. I have missed him too much and for too long to just let him go. Is this relationship healthy? Probably not. Am I going to continue in it? Most likely, at least until I can convince myself that he really doesn't care about me and that it is just about the sex like he tells me it is. I guess that is he why he called me back several times to get more details after I called to tell him that I had to go back to the doctor after my annual visit for some other tests and why he called so quickly after I sent him a text message telling him that I missed him? One time when we were talking he said something and I told him that it was not my fault that he had chosen my ex over me. His reply was "yeah, that was my mistake." Why can't I tell myself that it is just about the sex, that this relationship doesn't really matter to me and that I can let it go? I know that I should but for some reason I just can't.