Admission of True Feelings

After our meeting at the lake I sent P an email the next day just to be sure that he understood that I didn't WANT to stop seeing him. This is the email that I sent him:

"Hey, hope you had a nice, restful weekend. Mine was pretty boring.Never even left the house Sunday but that was kinda nice. After C called me and hung up on me Wednesday night on the way home I don't think that he said ten words to me till Thursday afternoon. At least it was quiet in the house! Don't understand why he thinks that him treating me that way would make me want to be anywhere near him. Guess I just expect too much?
I hope that you did not get the wrong idea when we were talking right before I left Wednesday. I definitely do not want to stop seeing you but I know that at least for your sake that I should stop seeing you regardless of how I feel. I feel so incredibly selfish for wanting to see you when I know that you are married and what you are risking when you see me. I apologize for being so selfish and I really don't want you to think that I try to make things hard for you and I am sorry if I have. I tried for years in the past every time that you would call me or come by and you would try to get me to call you or meet you to just tell you "no" and convince myself that I didn't want to see you when I knew that I was really lying to myself. For several years I believed that I never would talk to you or see you again but after JM called me after I went back to work at ---- I wondered if he would tell you and I wondered if you would call. I wanted you to call. Several months before that I had tried to find you through the Internet. When I did find you and I saw RB listed as a family member and saw that you still had the same address I would not allow myself to contact you. I knew that you had moved on and had forgotten about me and I did not want to cause any trouble in your life if you were happy. But you contacted me anyway even though you knew that I was married and you told me that you had not been married long when you called. You insisted that I write your number down before we hung up. I still can't believe that you actually thought that I would not recognize your voice! Maybe JM's but never yours! I looked at that number every day and fought with myself to not call. Then when you called back again I knew that you wanted to talk me as much as I wanted to talk to you.
At first I thought maybe we would get together a few times and that would be it but neither one of us has really wanted to stop seeing each other. I can't believe that it has been well over a year now. It doesn't seem like it because I have enjoyed the times that we have had together but I know that this could end anytime and I truthfully don't want it to. A while back I started crying when we were together but I never would tell you why. Maybe because RB had called that day or maybe because I was worried a little about what was going on with me physically ,I just began to think that that day or any other day that I see you might be the last time that I see you. Yeah, I have tried to tell myself that I don't care and that it is no big deal but when we didn't talk for awhile a few months ago there was no way that I could argue with myself anymore, it does matter whether I want to admit it or not. I was not sure if I wanted to send this to you or not but you have always been a good friend to me (in addition to an amazing lover!) and I have always tried to be honest with you and you always make me feel open to tell you anything so I hope you are not too upset with me.Maybe all I am trying to say is that I missed you when I didn't hear from you for those years and I don't want to feel that way again.Just remember it is your own fault for spoiling me! Hope this wasn't too much for you. Can't help it that I am female. See you soon."



He read this email later that evening and he sent me a text immediately after reading it asking me to call him around 10:45pm. C was at home so I couldn't call him as much as I wanted to hear his response. I sent him a text back to call me the next morning. Yeah, I was a nervous wreck not knowing what reaction he had had to the email. Didn't hear from him the next morning even after sending him a text telling him to give me a call at work. Then I got really nervous. I sent him a text that afternoon asking if he was mad at me. He called me within half an hour and asked me first why I always think that he is upset or mad at me when he doesn't return my call quickly. I responded that I was afraid that he might be upset about the email. He said that he wasn't, just that he had been busy and hadn't been able to call. He never actually brought up the things that I had said in the email or how he felt in response. Things however did change for the better from that day on.

After that day he really began to be more attentive and responsive. Ordinarily if I sent him a text asking if he was busy (meaning is he working or free to talk) he would not usually respond if he was busy. That following Saturday I was in the mood to talk and could have been talked into some phone sex and I sent him a text asking if he was busy. It took him awhile to respond but within an hour he responded "yes." No biggie for most people but it meant alot to me for him to take time to text me back while he was busy working.

C's birthday was on Monday. He and his brother had had a disagreement the day before and I was afraid that he would not show up for C's birthday dinner and this would have been a repeat of last years celebration. Not pleasant for anyone involved. I had called C's brother the night before to tell him what C wanted for his birthday since their plans got messed up for that day and C was irritated at his brother. Well, when I began telling C's brother what he wanted for his birthday he began bashing his brother. Called him selfish, hard to please, and said that he acts like a three year old kid if he doesn't get what he wants. All of this is true about C and silly me, I chimed in. The old saying that blood is thicker than water must be true. C calls me at work on Monday and says to me "I think we have a problem." My heart starts pounding not knowing exactly what it is that we have a problem with. He proceeds to tell me that his brother has called him and told him everything that I had said about him behind his back. Does he mention that he is the one who started the bashing or any of the things that he had said? Well hell no!