Giving In

Well, as if you had not already guessed, I agreed to see him again. I know I shouldn't have. I know that I have no right to. I know that it is wrong. But I did. But I did send him an email before I agreed to this. My emails tend to be lengthy so I will summarize for you: if I was only in love with your cock, why did I take this so hard because we both know that I can get that need taken care of other places, you do know that I really love you, I cannot go through another episode like the last two months again because it hurt too damn bad, I know that I should just walk away from you but I don't want to, I realize that we both made commitments years ago that are difficult to break and I want you to tell me how you really feel because if I am only a "good fuck" to you and that is all that I am it is just not worth risking all that you have to lose if that is all I mean to you. Yea, that was the condensed version.

I did send him another email apologizing if I sounded angry in my last email and the last thing that I wrote was " It really doesn't matter if you say how you feel because your actions say so much that you have told me anyway." Not surprisingly the reply that I get back is his usual answer without a real answer. P sends me an email requesting that I send him an email telling him how I wanted him to fuck me. Guess this means we will be seeing each other again?He tells me that he enjoys reading my emails when he is out on the road working and he gets back to the hotel at night. He tells me that he reads them while he is stroking his dick and he imagines that it is me. Tells me how much he wants to put his fingers inside me and feel me quiver and tell him how badly I want to feel his big dick stretching my pussy as he crams it into me. He then tells me how hard he is for me and that he wishes that I were there to feel his hardness and lick the puddle of cum off of his belly. Then he asks me to write him back "dirty."

At this point viewing this situation through my pink (female) glasses I am trying to read between the lines. Is his desire to see me again in any way related to how he does feel for me or is it just simply his lust alone? Is this in some way his means of telling me that I have been right about the things that I have said about our feelings for each other or just his way of telling me that he only wants to fuck me again? Wish at times that I could borrow some blue glasses.... anyone willing to loan me a pair?

Living Hell

So to condense the next two months they were a living hell. P called me at work that following Monday to tell me that we could never talk again. I asked "never?" and he replied "probably not." He told me that I would be OK. I seriously doubted that but I had no choice but to accept this. He told me that I knew what he was up against, I guess as some kind of apology. When I hung up the phone I began to sob.

I missed P like crazy. Tried not to think about him but even when I kept busy during the day his memory would come back to torture me in my dreams. I continued to send him emails. He told me that he was deleting everything and shutting the account down but he didn't. Since I had set up the account for him and (not being mean or anything) had come up with the user name and password, I could check and see if he was still checking and reading my emails. Yea, I know all the guys and probably some of the women too are thinking what a horrible game that is. I guess I will admit that is true but did it let me know that he still thought about me. I poured out all of my thoughts and feelings in these emails. He was never going to read them so what did it matter? ;) Told him how much I missed him- everything about him- his voice, his touch, his eyes, his smile, his kiss, even how much I missed fucking him. Admitted that I should not have these thoughts or feelings but that I still did, try as I could not to. And it was a never-ending, internal battle to try to convince myself that it really didn't matter that much to me, that I didn't really miss him that much and, most of all, that I really didn't love him. Take it from me , you can lie to some people convincingly but not to yourself. It just didn't work.

His birthday was on a Friday. Of course I sent him an email telling him that although he would not hear from me that it was not forgotten. I had to fight with everything inside me to not pick up the phone. Can't remember if I mentioned this or not but the phone has been what got us busted every time before. She scrutinized every phone bill and he had left a text message from me on his phone for several days this last time and she picked up his phone and found it. That is what resulted in the call from her. I knew I couldn't call him but that didn't stop me from wanting to. He always checked his email several times a week but never emailed me back or contacted me in any other way.

About two months had gone by and I told myself that I would send him s text, just to see how he was doing of course. It simply said "hey, hope you are OK, miss you." I had changed my "bat phone" (disposable cell) number since the last time that we had talked so I took a chance and sent the text. Didn't hear from him during the day that day and wondered if he would even risk contacting me again at all. Well, that night as I drove home my "bat phone" rang. It was an out of state number. I figured it was P and it was. I asked him why he was calling. He said it was because I had sent him the text. I had even wondered if he would know that it came from me since he had never seen that number before. P had borrowed a cell phone from one of his guys to call me with. He asked me how I was doing, if I had been behaving myself, etc. Of course I never let him know that I knew that he knew exactly how I was doing and what I had been up to since he had in fact been reading my emails. I did tell him that I missed him. He told me that he would talk to me again and we hung up. The next morning I received this email from him:

OK I have been reading your mails, I think about all the good times we have had together. I always think about the last time you gave me that killer blow job, I really wanted to fuck you sooo bad that day but (friend's name) messed that up. I would love to see you again but I cant ever make a mistake with RB. if I was ever to see you again I cant mess up no matter what.Now you tell me you love me I don't think so. you are in love with my big cock, I can tell by the way you suck it. It is almost like you are in a trance when you are stroking and sucking my fat cock.I know you love the taste of my cum as it squirts into your hungry mouth. I like the way you hold my cock in both hands like you will never see it again. It feels so good when I put my dick into your tight pussy it is soooo tight it almost makes my cum the first time it slides in. Right now typing my dick is oozing its sweet juices if you were here you would be licking every drop that came out.I do think we can see each other again. Just remember RB has to come first you will never have me as long as she lives. But I would love to fuck you again. At this time this is all I can offer to you . I will understand if you choose not to go my way. Let me know if you are OK with this by e mail.


Well, at least he admitted to reading my emails. But what to do now............