Made It !

For those of you in doubt, I did survive Christmas. I did pretty well if I must say so myself. Yes, I had my moments but I realize that I must allow myself to grieve. C hates to see me cry so badly that I feel uncomfortable crying in front of him now.

C believes that our marriage was miraculously healed of anything from the past when my Mom passed away. He believes that her death has a purpose and that is to make us realize how important our marriage is and how we should overlook the past and the "little" problems that we have had. Well, in my book, my husband not having a job and helping to keep our family afloat financially and him being totally dependent on me in almost every way, me not being at all sexually attracted to him, his spending compulsion (works well with the whole "no job" thing), and his verbal abuse are not "little things." I am still trying to love him but it hasn't happened yet.

P and I have seen each other a few times since my post a couple of months ago. The last time was at my house. I can hear the gasps now. I know that I broke the rules with that one but C was out of town and P and I only had a short amount of time to spend together so it seemed senseless to spend the cash on a hotel room. He was so nervous the entire time that he was there that I am not sure he enjoyed himself at all. I had to coerce him to come over in the first place. He told me "even I have some morals." He did tell me that he would spend more time there with me if C no longer lived there. Statements like that confuse me and make it even harder to separate the two relationships. I try to look at each situation independently but I could not help but think how nice it would be to have him in my home with me more often. But he would still be married, I guess. So would things really be any different? I think at times that I had rather spend as much time as possible with the man that I love than to spend all my time with someone that I have so little desire to be with. But that is not the "right" way to approach this.

The first time that P and I met after we began talking again, we met at a hotel and I was very nervous because this was the first time that I had seen him face-to-face since I had confessed my true feelings for him. I had asked him not to call me or see me and risk all that we both have to lose if he is just looking for someone to fuck because it is just not worth it. He still wanted to see me. I gave him the room key to go on in while I got a few things out of the truck and when I got to the room, he was lying on the bed still fully dressed (unusual!). I laid down next to him and he just laid there and held me in his arms for a few minutes. I could have cried but I couldn't let myself. I didn't think that those arms would ever hold me again. I asked him if he was sure that he was OK with being there with me and he said "yes" and asked me the same question. You know what my reply was.

He held me so tight against him and started kissing me like he didn't think he would ever kiss me again. We were facing each other and I could already feel his cock getting hard, pressing against my leg. At the moment, nothing else mattered to me except feeling his cock inside me again. He began undressing me and I took my bra off for him since he has always had some difficulty with that and I was in no mood for anything to hamper our progress. He stands up next to the bed and strips down for me as I reach for his cock and feel the juices already oozing for me. I can't resist licking the drops from the head of his dick. Only recently did I find out that RB does not swallow. Could be one reason that he soo loves the blow jobs that I give him. He knows that I love the taste of his cum and eagerly will suck every drop from him. He pulls me over to the edge of the bed and slides my pants and panties off in one motion. We slid back up to the top of the bed with him on top of me just watching my face as he shoves his fat cock inside me. He knows that I love the feel of his dick pushing into me for the first time. He has told me several times that I have the tightest pussy that he has ever felt and he undoubtedly has the biggest cock that I have had the pleasure of having inside me. Maybe that combination is part of why we enjoy each other so much?


We stayed in the missionary position (something we normally do not do) until we were both cumming together (something that I have a hard time doing in this position!). I lay there afterward with my head on his chest, his arm around me rubbing my back, and we just talked. We both tell the other one things that we never tell anyone else.

There have been several things that he has told me that he has gone so far as to tell me that he has not told anyone else. During a recent phone conversation he told me that he slept with someone in his office. Before I receive mass comments on this one, I am glad that he told me. I WANT him to feel that he can be that open and honest with me. I have no desire to have a relationship with him in which he feels that he cannot be honest with me (or me with him) for fear of judgement or fear of his actions changing my feelings towards him. I have fooled around myself with a couple of guys that I have met through a certain online site and yes, I told him. After he told me that he slept with her, I just began to laugh and told him that I knew that was bound to happen eventually becuase he had told me before how she had been flirting with him so , knowing him as I do, I knew that it would happen. He told me that he had not told anyone else. I asked him why he chose to tell me and he answered me with the question "well you would tell me if you were gettin' some from someone else, wouldn't you?" I replied that I would but I wish now that I had asked him why it mattered to him at all.

Shortly after we got together the last time at my house (details later) RB approached him again about having been in contact with me since his crazy ass had called me from his cell phone AGAIN so I didn't talk to him for a short while when he was out of town and had no land line to call me from. During this time a bunch of crap had been going on at home with C and I finally wanted to tell P about all of it so badly that I just sat down and typed it all out in an email. This was the reply that I received:
"why can't you put his sorry ass out and find someone who loves you for you. there are plenty of men in this world who would love to have you for a wife. you know C is a fag anyway, why doesn't he want to fuck you every night, he's gay. i would have you broke in so my fat cock would slide into your ass all the way to my cum filled balls. your tight pussy would not be sooo tight after about a week in bed with me. you would not be able to sit down at work because of your sore pussy. i will come by the shop tomorrow and check my email and maybe call you."


I know that P cares about me. I just don't understand why he keeps risking all that he does to see me and why he is so upset that I am still with C. Why can't I just let P go and do the "right" thing? Damn love.