If Loving You Is Wrong.....

Every time that I hear that old song I think about P.I feel like such a bitch today. I went away alone last weekend to clear my head for a couple of days and came back with the same conclusion- that C and I should separate. He was not happy about this of course. He expected me to and said that I should have come back asking again for his forgiveness and asking him to join me in making this marriage work. What had he done that was so bad?

C left for a couple of days and went to stay with his folks. I was fine while he was gone. He was incredibly miserable. I felt like this was my fault. He told me that I was destroying him. We talked for a while on Monday evening before we went to purchase him a bed for the room that he had been staying in at his parents' house. I was tired that night and not feeling well to boot. I told him just to come back home, that there was no sense in going and buying a bed when we were unsure as ti how long this was going to last. He preceded to tell me that he wanted out marriage to work more than anything he had ever wanted in his life, that he did physically desire me more often than he showed but always thought that I was too tired or whatever, that he will get a job and help me more as far as household responsibilities are concerned. Who could say no to that? Well, not me. OK, so I agreed to give this one more try. You do have to understand that I have thirteen years invested in this and I am getting no younger.

The problem here? You know, I miss P. I try to tell myself that I am content with C. That I deserve more than what P can give me. But I still miss him. We have not talked in a week so I was feeling all strong and tough. I have been trying to convince myself that I really don't mean anything to him and that maybe he is just tired of the hassles and is ready to end this. He had not checked his email in ten days because RB was on his laptop a few weeks ago and a message popped up that he had new mail on our account. He had to try to BS his way out of that one.My computer (thankfully) has never done this. I don't know how or why that happened but I guess that he has been afraid to check it again. But he did last night. Now my head is spinning yet again. Why can I not just let him go and be happy with the man that is willing to give me all of him? Will this feeling go away? If I am doing the right thing why is it that I feel so bad?

Poop

Well, folks, we all knew that this day would come. The proverbial poop hit the fan last weekend. C now knows about my relationship with P. How did he find out? My dumb ass went out with a girlfriend last week for dinner, had a few drinks and did not realize that my cell phone was still on after I had tried to call C and see how close he was to home. I was sharing some details about my latest tryst with P (details to come!) and I thought that I had hung up my phone. Guess not! Big oops! He did not bring it up for a couple of days but how do I deny what he heard me say with his own ears?

Yes, I feel bad. I feel guilty. I feel sad. I am sorry that I hurt C. But in a strange way, I am relieved. I am a person who values honesty and for me to have "lived a lie" for this long has recked havoc on my nerves. I honestly believe that if I would promise C that I would never see P again and told him that I still wanted to be with him and work our marriage out, that he would agree to it. After the "unforgivable sin" that I have committed. After I ruined our marriage and broke up our "happy home." Everyone tells me that the only reason that he wants to stay with me is because of my recent inheritance. I really don't want to believe this about the man that I have been with for about thirteen years now but I really cannot understand why he would still want to stay with me after this. No, he still has no job and no place to go. Yes, I did ask him if he had a job and a place to go, would he still want to stay. He replied that he would miss me so much that he just wants to work things out. Really in my heart I just feel like it is over. But how to tell someone that who is crying and telling you how much they love you and that all they want to do is share their life with you?

WTF is wrong with me?

OK, so I am riding down the road in the passenger seat with C driving us to dinner. This week has been "that time of the month" for me and he knows this. He wants to know when I will be healed up "down there" because he is ready, he says. For those of you who are new, C and I have had sex very sporadically for the last couple (or more) years. Since my Mom has passed away, C has a renewed interest in me, including in the sexual sense. I however have become so accustomed to his derogatory comments about the way that I look, smell, taste, etc. that I have lost ALL sexual desire for him. As you can tell by reading my previous posts, I am not frigid by any means. But the mere thought of him touching me makes me nauseous. I don't know what to say to him when he wants to have sex with me. How many headaches can one person really have? I know that I am his wife and this is considered by most to be a "wifely duty" but I hate being with him. Do I just close my eyes and go to a happy place or what? Anyone else ever been here?