Every time that I hear that old song I think about P.I feel like such a bitch today. I went away alone last weekend to clear my head for a couple of days and came back with the same conclusion- that C and I should separate. He was not happy about this of course. He expected me to and said that I should have come back asking again for his forgiveness and asking him to join me in making this marriage work. What had he done that was so bad?
C left for a couple of days and went to stay with his folks. I was fine while he was gone. He was incredibly miserable. I felt like this was my fault. He told me that I was destroying him. We talked for a while on Monday evening before we went to purchase him a bed for the room that he had been staying in at his parents' house. I was tired that night and not feeling well to boot. I told him just to come back home, that there was no sense in going and buying a bed when we were unsure as ti how long this was going to last. He preceded to tell me that he wanted out marriage to work more than anything he had ever wanted in his life, that he did physically desire me more often than he showed but always thought that I was too tired or whatever, that he will get a job and help me more as far as household responsibilities are concerned. Who could say no to that? Well, not me. OK, so I agreed to give this one more try. You do have to understand that I have thirteen years invested in this and I am getting no younger.
The problem here? You know, I miss P. I try to tell myself that I am content with C. That I deserve more than what P can give me. But I still miss him. We have not talked in a week so I was feeling all strong and tough. I have been trying to convince myself that I really don't mean anything to him and that maybe he is just tired of the hassles and is ready to end this. He had not checked his email in ten days because RB was on his laptop a few weeks ago and a message popped up that he had new mail on our account. He had to try to BS his way out of that one.My computer (thankfully) has never done this. I don't know how or why that happened but I guess that he has been afraid to check it again. But he did last night. Now my head is spinning yet again. Why can I not just let him go and be happy with the man that is willing to give me all of him? Will this feeling go away? If I am doing the right thing why is it that I feel so bad?
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3 comments:
I'm seeing a simple equation developing here.
Regarding C: you don't curse the ground he walks on, but you know deep inside the marriage is done.
Regarding P: you know you'd be happy with him, if only he'd be willing to leave RB. But he's not. He's made this perfectly clear to you. Think of it: many guys fantasize about having a woman at home and another on the side. You're the fantasy lost and rediscovered, sure - but it's just fantasy, without substance; all of the whipped cream with no apple pie underneath.
Regarding RB: she knows P cheats on her at least on some level. It seems she's got her own fears about what she needs, or wants, or is available to her, and thinks that clinging to P with a meat hook in one hand and an anchor in the other is the way to go. She might at some point leave him, but it doesn't look likely, never mind any time soon.
So, substituting "U" for Captivating, here's how I see the math...
U+P=0, because P+RB/U is an imaginary number.
U+C=0, because C is the inverse of U.
So, if you want to actually end up with something greater than zero, you need this formula:
(U+C)-C=U, and U+0=U, or in less mathematical terms, subtract your husband from your personal equation, and don't add anything else from the "known variables" you presently have available to you. Seek a different path, perhaps one that involves a little solitude for a while to allow the marriage with C (and the fantasy with P) to die and allow you to move on as a whole individual.
Don-
I see that you are much better at math than I am! The computations make sense to me in my head but I am too right-brained to "see" this in my heart.I really,really want to be able to tell C that our marriage is over but I just can't seem to say those words. Maybe I do not want to admit to myself that it is over? What will it take for me to say those words? Who knows!
I know that the best thing for all involved is for me to end my relationship with P. Do I think that he really does regret losing me all of those years ago? I do. Do I believe that he does love me? I do.Do I think that he is honestly going to make any changes in his current situation? He will not. RB may eventually tire of his behavior and leave him but who knows when or if that will happen. Could I live with P's behavior? Strangely, I believe that I could. I have known him for so long and understand that that is just the way that he is and it honestly does not bother me. Maybe it should but it doesn't. I had rather have the level of honesty that we have than have him feel that he has to lie to me to please me or keep me around.
RB does indeed have issues of her own. I believe that she stays with him primarily out of financial security. She does not want to change her current "style of life." She does not and will not accept him for who he is. She knew this about him when she issued him the ultimatum to marry her.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts with me. I know that I am in a sense creating my own prison by staying with C but somewhere in my mind I WANT to be the "good girl" and learn to love him. Maybe I am just too hard on myself and need to learn to take care of ME?
Yes, you absolutely MUST take care of you, and learn to live with and love yourself above all others.
Your marital situation isn't much better than P & RB's: C is attached to you for reasons that are other than clear, open, honest affection and love.
Now that I see that RB is looking at P as her retirement fund of sorts, it's very unlikely she'll let him go unless he walks, and even then she'd put up a fight. Thus far, he hasn't walked - and since he has you AND has RB, why should he? From his perspective, he's got the best of both worlds.
Both RB and C are afraid of losing their spouses, and for nearly identical reasons. It's sad but true that love isn't the first and foremost among those reasons. It seems to barely be on the list.
I repeat my advice: leave the lot of them and strike out on your own, perhaps even in a new place. P has become an addiction to you, and no addiction is ever a healthy thing. Start fresh, spend time to detox, and your entire world will start looking a hell of a lot different, for the better.
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