MORE OPTIONS

Anyway, I am still trying to be logical and realistic about my decision but my female brain cannot seem to process information without factoring in emotion. Someone told me that it is not my fault. He says that it comes standard issue with the installation of a vagina! I know that's right!

So on to more options. Today, boys and girls, we will be considering the pros and cons of a) ending my relationship with both C and P and making a go of it on my own OR b) ending my marriage with C and continuing to see P when I can.

Ending my relationship with both C and P and going it alone:
Pros-

1) No feeling tied down with C

2) No feeling guilty for being with P and fearing that I will be the cause of his marriage ending

3) Freedom to do what I want to do, when I want to do it

4) Not financially responsible for anyone except myself

5) Not thinking about RB coming around and trying to cause problems in my life for revenge

Cons-

1) Fear of being lonely

2) Honestly seems like the toughest option. Probably the healthiest option for my well being but still seems like the hardest.

3) I know that I would miss P like hell

4) No one to help me out around the house, help me if I am sick, etc. (yeah, I know these are selfish things but things I think of nonetheless)

5)Would have to divide up possessions, go through another divorce, split up my dogs, etc

6) No one to enjoy a "roll in the hay" with

7) Again, feeling guilty that I have destroyed C's life

8) Fear that I gave up on my marriage and things could have possibly been worked out and we could have been happy together in time

And the final option, ending my marriage to C and continuing to see P when I can-

Pros-

1) Would be free from feeling manipulated and controlled by C

2) Would be free to go where I want to, when I want to

3) P says that he would spend more time with me if C were out of the picture.

4) I know that the sex (when I could see P)would be satisfying

5) Again, would only be financially responsible for myself

6) Would be free from the verbal abuse

Cons-

1)Fear of feeling that I had made a mistake in ending my marriage

2) Again, feeling that I have "ruined" C's life

3) Knowing that P says that he will continue to stay with RB and this means that I will not ever have a public relationship with him. I would be alone on the holidays,etc.

4) Fear of being alone


So I started this post a few months ago and just today finished it. I guess that I have just been in denial and avoiding (still!) any decision making. I have felt more or less stuck in limbo since my Mom passed away but in my heart I know that she would not even want to see me living this way.
Things are still somewhat the same. More details in my next new post. Hope all of my fellow bloggers have been doing well! I have some catching up to do. Thanks to all of you that have left comments. Each one of you have helped me to look at this situation differently than what my limited perspective will allow.

EXPLORING MY OPTIONS

OK, I am tired of sittin on the fence, ridin the roller coaster or whatever you want to call this state of indecision and confusion my life has been in for too long now. When chatting with one of my fellow bloggers, he recommended writing out the pros and cons of each choice that I could make to try to help clear things up in my head. He also suggested blogging these things to gain some outside perspectives on things. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. The way I see it I have four choices: leave things as they are(living with C and seeing P when I can), telling P that our relationship is over and trying to work things out again with C, ending my relationship with both P and C and going it alone or asking C to leave and seeing P when I can. This may take more than one post to get all of this written out since the time that I have to blog is limited.

Pros and cons of leaving things as they are now:

Pros- 1) requires no actual work on my part
2) seems like the easy way out.
3) Seems sadly "comfortable" now- no change involved. Having my cake and eating it too
as they say.

Cons- 1) When C finds out that I am still seeing P, he will be even more hurt, leave, and our
relationship would end under bad terms
2) I would be back to living a life of deception and I am basically a person who prefers
honesty and openness- essentially the guilt continues
3) Feelings that I am also putting P's marriage at risk as well by continuing to see him. I
do know however that he has a choice in the matter as well.



Pros and cons of ending my relationship with P and trying, again, to work things out with C:

Pros- 1) Feeling that I am doing the right thing morally- for all involved
2) No more guilt over the ongoing relationship with P
3) Would not feel as if I have wasted the last 13 or so years
4) Not having to battle over possessions and money
5) My dogs will be together and will be happy .I know that this may sound silly to some of
you but they are very important to me.
6) He does help me out around the house and do his share, for the most part, there
7) I will never be alone (ever!) This may be a pro and a con!
8) I will not feel that I have destroyed C's life by ending our marriage
9) I know him and know what to expect- good or bad!

Cons-1) Always will wonder what could have happened with P if I had not stayed with C
2) Will continue to feel controlled and manipulated
3) Have no freedom to spend time with friends,etc. without such a hassle that it is not
worth it
4) Lack of financial support
5) Will likely still feel sexually unsatisfied and unfulfilled
6) Will likely still feel undesired and not-good-enough. Have to look right, be wearing the
right thing, smell the right way, etc. before I feel that I am good enough to be desirable
to him.
7) I will continue to be frustrated and angered by his "false pride" and arrogant
attitude-He is ungrateful and ungiving- the exact opposite of me.I know that this is the
way that he is and it is unlikely to change
8) Feelings of guilt over time spent at work, with friends, time that I want to spend alone.
He wants to spend every minute with me and I feel guilty that I need my own time. We
even have lunch together every day.
9) Feeling that I am am wasting my life if I continue to be unhappy living with C
10) Wondering if I will always feel that I have "settled" for less than I wanted
11) Feeling that I am the only responsible one- He has no idea when bills are due, what bills
we have, what it is like to handle the newly acquired rental property and Mom's estate,
etc. I have to call and wake him up every morning.This causes me to feel bitter and
resentful. I feel like his mother!

This is all I have time for today. May think of other things to add overnight. May start to work on the pros and cons for my other options. Thanks to all of you for taking the time to read. At the moment, I am still as confused as ever!