OK, I am tired of sittin on the fence, ridin the roller coaster or whatever you want to call this state of indecision and confusion my life has been in for too long now. When chatting with one of my fellow bloggers, he recommended writing out the pros and cons of each choice that I could make to try to help clear things up in my head. He also suggested blogging these things to gain some outside perspectives on things. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. The way I see it I have four choices: leave things as they are(living with C and seeing P when I can), telling P that our relationship is over and trying to work things out again with C, ending my relationship with both P and C and going it alone or asking C to leave and seeing P when I can. This may take more than one post to get all of this written out since the time that I have to blog is limited.
Pros and cons of leaving things as they are now:
Pros- 1) requires no actual work on my part
2) seems like the easy way out.
3) Seems sadly "comfortable" now- no change involved. Having my cake and eating it too
as they say.
Cons- 1) When C finds out that I am still seeing P, he will be even more hurt, leave, and our
relationship would end under bad terms
2) I would be back to living a life of deception and I am basically a person who prefers
honesty and openness- essentially the guilt continues
3) Feelings that I am also putting P's marriage at risk as well by continuing to see him. I
do know however that he has a choice in the matter as well.
Pros and cons of ending my relationship with P and trying, again, to work things out with C:
Pros- 1) Feeling that I am doing the right thing morally- for all involved
2) No more guilt over the ongoing relationship with P
3) Would not feel as if I have wasted the last 13 or so years
4) Not having to battle over possessions and money
5) My dogs will be together and will be happy .I know that this may sound silly to some of
you but they are very important to me.
6) He does help me out around the house and do his share, for the most part, there
7) I will never be alone (ever!) This may be a pro and a con!
8) I will not feel that I have destroyed C's life by ending our marriage
9) I know him and know what to expect- good or bad!
Cons-1) Always will wonder what could have happened with P if I had not stayed with C
2) Will continue to feel controlled and manipulated
3) Have no freedom to spend time with friends,etc. without such a hassle that it is not
worth it
4) Lack of financial support
5) Will likely still feel sexually unsatisfied and unfulfilled
6) Will likely still feel undesired and not-good-enough. Have to look right, be wearing the
right thing, smell the right way, etc. before I feel that I am good enough to be desirable
to him.
7) I will continue to be frustrated and angered by his "false pride" and arrogant
attitude-He is ungrateful and ungiving- the exact opposite of me.I know that this is the
way that he is and it is unlikely to change
8) Feelings of guilt over time spent at work, with friends, time that I want to spend alone.
He wants to spend every minute with me and I feel guilty that I need my own time. We
even have lunch together every day.
9) Feeling that I am am wasting my life if I continue to be unhappy living with C
10) Wondering if I will always feel that I have "settled" for less than I wanted
11) Feeling that I am the only responsible one- He has no idea when bills are due, what bills
we have, what it is like to handle the newly acquired rental property and Mom's estate,
etc. I have to call and wake him up every morning.This causes me to feel bitter and
resentful. I feel like his mother!
This is all I have time for today. May think of other things to add overnight. May start to work on the pros and cons for my other options. Thanks to all of you for taking the time to read. At the moment, I am still as confused as ever!
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6 comments:
Get it all out there I'm sure some folks will try to help you out!!
Hey sweetheart :) I've been here before to your blog. Months ago. Read your posts before, I mean.
Can I email you? or no?
Hang in there. You're definitely not alone. There's always lots to see and do and so much 2 think about.
I'm so glad you posted this and went over the pros & cons.
I think the blogger that encouraged you to write this sounds like a really smart blogger. You aren't the only one going thru this. I think its awesome that you can see all your options. Your 1 step closer to where you wanna go next. Whichever direction you decide.
*understanding hugs*
Lemme know if its okay if I email you or not. My email is on my profile. I'd include it here but then that just makes others in my real life find me when they google me. So thats why I'm avoiding doing that.
*supportive & encouraging smile*
Married to a control freak and suseptible to an old lover? I soo understand what you're going through.. I had to work through all of that and now know my marriage is over. That's a given. The waiting game I'm having to play now is wearing me down. But, knowing that it's finite helps..
If you want a sounding board or just a sympathetic ear that's been there, email me.. :)
Take care...
I'm in no position to offer real advice, although I'm in the Option A position when it comes to my own life.
But I feel for you. These decisions are tough. Life is so damn complicated!
Of course you have to examine the pros and cons for yourself. It is a good idea to do so - it's a good percentage of what you blog about, frankly.
Profiling might help as well. Based on our communication, here's the picture I get of all the players. Tell me how accurate I am.
P: the old flame, renewed. Married, but doesn't intend to leave despite protestations of love for you. He's truly the one who's having his cake and eating it, too. Your attraction to him is borderline obsession. Through his careless mistakes, his wife knows about the affair - mistakes that he periodically continues to make. Why? Because he knows just what the limits are, and pushes them only so hard - not enough to make her want to leave.
RB: P's wife, who looks at P a little like a trophy husband, a lot like a sugar daddy. Maybe her love for him is dead or maybe not, but regardless, she's got her hooks into him for her own personal sense of worth and security (much like my ex did with me) - she's in love with the idea of marriage more than with P, and loves his net worth/income just as much. It would be virtually impossible to make her want to leave him, since he only pushes the boundaries gently.
C: your husband. Perhaps there was love there once, or maybe you just had each other (or yourselves) fooled into thinking so. Now he's more into exerting control over you than expressing love, more into being the dominant one rather than an equal partner - all this, and if I recall he's not ever earning a real income, still living a teenager's dream of making it big with his music. So we can add "sponge" to the description as well.
None of these above-described characters are so cut-n-dried, of course. There's shades of gray, just enough to keep you confused and unable to do more than stay the course, at least so far.
While you're working on those pros and cons, pick my profiles apart a bit, see what rings true and what may be missing, for better or worse. And, while I did a lousy job of it, try to be as objective as possible - pretend you're writing a bio for a newspaper or an encyclopedia.
OK, I know you wrote this a while back but I went and read all your post. Better than DAYS I'm tellin ya. Anyway, here is what I think.
I think you are being used by both P and C. You are P's puppet that does what he wants, basically when he wants and C is just using you to have someone to support him. Until you realize that they are both using you, you will be here for a long time. If C truly loved you and cared, you wouldn't be able to find time or excuses to go see P. If P really loved and cared about you, yall would be in a real relationship and not just you being his fuck buddy that will say and try anything.
I think you need to walk away from it all. Hell, RUN! I know that is not what you want to hear and so much easier said than done but I truly believe that is what needs to happen. Good luck girl and I hope it eventually works out for ya.
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