Reality

OK, maybe I am a little slow . At least when it comes to realizing and admitting that I have been in denial. There I said it. I have been denying that things in my life are as bad as they really are. I can now see and admit that C is basically in this for the $$$. Hard to admit that about someone that you have spent the last 14 or so years of your life with. Does he love me? He believes that he does but I know that what he gives me is not actually "love." He is dependent on me and I have allowed and encouraged this over the years. Now I see it and I am sick and tired of it!
Sick and tired of being the primary (and oftentimes only!) breadwinner in my family, of being controlled, manipulated, degraded, made to feel unworthy and unlovable, and being used. Yes, there is just a tad of bitterness and resentment in that sentence. Honestly, although I know that I cannot live with regret, I am more resentful towards myself for taking so long to see things clearly. Although I see all of this now it is still difficult to end a marriage especially when someone is so dependent on you.

I am in a state of stress exhaustion now. I slept almost all day yesterday. I feel that I have no desire to do anything anymore. It is a challenge for me to make it through each day. Now, of course, C is willing to go to counseling. But is he really willing to take any ACTION? No. He wants to give the appearance of "working on things" without really DOING anything. Naturally, this further adds to my confusion. C says that he loves me, cares for me, doesn't want to live without me, etc. etc. etc. but they are just words. Where is the action?

In case the question has crossed your mind,yes, P is still in my life. At the moment we are yet again "just friends." How long will this last? Who knows. He told me that he has to give his marriage to RB one last chance. He did, however tell her this time that I would still be a part of his life. That he would not allow her to determine who he could and could not talk to. I am sure that this news must have sat really well with her. This action on his part does mean that he is living up to his promise that he made to me when I agreed to see him again after the situation last summer when he was "never to speak to me again". I had told him that I mentally and emotionally was incapable of completely losing him again. He tells me that he had rather have me as a friend than to not have me in his life at all. Damn this is hard! I wish it were only about the sex. Would be so much simpler I suppose. But I believe that it has become more for both of us now.