Reality

OK, maybe I am a little slow . At least when it comes to realizing and admitting that I have been in denial. There I said it. I have been denying that things in my life are as bad as they really are. I can now see and admit that C is basically in this for the $$$. Hard to admit that about someone that you have spent the last 14 or so years of your life with. Does he love me? He believes that he does but I know that what he gives me is not actually "love." He is dependent on me and I have allowed and encouraged this over the years. Now I see it and I am sick and tired of it!
Sick and tired of being the primary (and oftentimes only!) breadwinner in my family, of being controlled, manipulated, degraded, made to feel unworthy and unlovable, and being used. Yes, there is just a tad of bitterness and resentment in that sentence. Honestly, although I know that I cannot live with regret, I am more resentful towards myself for taking so long to see things clearly. Although I see all of this now it is still difficult to end a marriage especially when someone is so dependent on you.

I am in a state of stress exhaustion now. I slept almost all day yesterday. I feel that I have no desire to do anything anymore. It is a challenge for me to make it through each day. Now, of course, C is willing to go to counseling. But is he really willing to take any ACTION? No. He wants to give the appearance of "working on things" without really DOING anything. Naturally, this further adds to my confusion. C says that he loves me, cares for me, doesn't want to live without me, etc. etc. etc. but they are just words. Where is the action?

In case the question has crossed your mind,yes, P is still in my life. At the moment we are yet again "just friends." How long will this last? Who knows. He told me that he has to give his marriage to RB one last chance. He did, however tell her this time that I would still be a part of his life. That he would not allow her to determine who he could and could not talk to. I am sure that this news must have sat really well with her. This action on his part does mean that he is living up to his promise that he made to me when I agreed to see him again after the situation last summer when he was "never to speak to me again". I had told him that I mentally and emotionally was incapable of completely losing him again. He tells me that he had rather have me as a friend than to not have me in his life at all. Damn this is hard! I wish it were only about the sex. Would be so much simpler I suppose. But I believe that it has become more for both of us now.

MORE OPTIONS

Anyway, I am still trying to be logical and realistic about my decision but my female brain cannot seem to process information without factoring in emotion. Someone told me that it is not my fault. He says that it comes standard issue with the installation of a vagina! I know that's right!

So on to more options. Today, boys and girls, we will be considering the pros and cons of a) ending my relationship with both C and P and making a go of it on my own OR b) ending my marriage with C and continuing to see P when I can.

Ending my relationship with both C and P and going it alone:
Pros-

1) No feeling tied down with C

2) No feeling guilty for being with P and fearing that I will be the cause of his marriage ending

3) Freedom to do what I want to do, when I want to do it

4) Not financially responsible for anyone except myself

5) Not thinking about RB coming around and trying to cause problems in my life for revenge

Cons-

1) Fear of being lonely

2) Honestly seems like the toughest option. Probably the healthiest option for my well being but still seems like the hardest.

3) I know that I would miss P like hell

4) No one to help me out around the house, help me if I am sick, etc. (yeah, I know these are selfish things but things I think of nonetheless)

5)Would have to divide up possessions, go through another divorce, split up my dogs, etc

6) No one to enjoy a "roll in the hay" with

7) Again, feeling guilty that I have destroyed C's life

8) Fear that I gave up on my marriage and things could have possibly been worked out and we could have been happy together in time

And the final option, ending my marriage to C and continuing to see P when I can-

Pros-

1) Would be free from feeling manipulated and controlled by C

2) Would be free to go where I want to, when I want to

3) P says that he would spend more time with me if C were out of the picture.

4) I know that the sex (when I could see P)would be satisfying

5) Again, would only be financially responsible for myself

6) Would be free from the verbal abuse

Cons-

1)Fear of feeling that I had made a mistake in ending my marriage

2) Again, feeling that I have "ruined" C's life

3) Knowing that P says that he will continue to stay with RB and this means that I will not ever have a public relationship with him. I would be alone on the holidays,etc.

4) Fear of being alone


So I started this post a few months ago and just today finished it. I guess that I have just been in denial and avoiding (still!) any decision making. I have felt more or less stuck in limbo since my Mom passed away but in my heart I know that she would not even want to see me living this way.
Things are still somewhat the same. More details in my next new post. Hope all of my fellow bloggers have been doing well! I have some catching up to do. Thanks to all of you that have left comments. Each one of you have helped me to look at this situation differently than what my limited perspective will allow.

EXPLORING MY OPTIONS

OK, I am tired of sittin on the fence, ridin the roller coaster or whatever you want to call this state of indecision and confusion my life has been in for too long now. When chatting with one of my fellow bloggers, he recommended writing out the pros and cons of each choice that I could make to try to help clear things up in my head. He also suggested blogging these things to gain some outside perspectives on things. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. The way I see it I have four choices: leave things as they are(living with C and seeing P when I can), telling P that our relationship is over and trying to work things out again with C, ending my relationship with both P and C and going it alone or asking C to leave and seeing P when I can. This may take more than one post to get all of this written out since the time that I have to blog is limited.

Pros and cons of leaving things as they are now:

Pros- 1) requires no actual work on my part
2) seems like the easy way out.
3) Seems sadly "comfortable" now- no change involved. Having my cake and eating it too
as they say.

Cons- 1) When C finds out that I am still seeing P, he will be even more hurt, leave, and our
relationship would end under bad terms
2) I would be back to living a life of deception and I am basically a person who prefers
honesty and openness- essentially the guilt continues
3) Feelings that I am also putting P's marriage at risk as well by continuing to see him. I
do know however that he has a choice in the matter as well.



Pros and cons of ending my relationship with P and trying, again, to work things out with C:

Pros- 1) Feeling that I am doing the right thing morally- for all involved
2) No more guilt over the ongoing relationship with P
3) Would not feel as if I have wasted the last 13 or so years
4) Not having to battle over possessions and money
5) My dogs will be together and will be happy .I know that this may sound silly to some of
you but they are very important to me.
6) He does help me out around the house and do his share, for the most part, there
7) I will never be alone (ever!) This may be a pro and a con!
8) I will not feel that I have destroyed C's life by ending our marriage
9) I know him and know what to expect- good or bad!

Cons-1) Always will wonder what could have happened with P if I had not stayed with C
2) Will continue to feel controlled and manipulated
3) Have no freedom to spend time with friends,etc. without such a hassle that it is not
worth it
4) Lack of financial support
5) Will likely still feel sexually unsatisfied and unfulfilled
6) Will likely still feel undesired and not-good-enough. Have to look right, be wearing the
right thing, smell the right way, etc. before I feel that I am good enough to be desirable
to him.
7) I will continue to be frustrated and angered by his "false pride" and arrogant
attitude-He is ungrateful and ungiving- the exact opposite of me.I know that this is the
way that he is and it is unlikely to change
8) Feelings of guilt over time spent at work, with friends, time that I want to spend alone.
He wants to spend every minute with me and I feel guilty that I need my own time. We
even have lunch together every day.
9) Feeling that I am am wasting my life if I continue to be unhappy living with C
10) Wondering if I will always feel that I have "settled" for less than I wanted
11) Feeling that I am the only responsible one- He has no idea when bills are due, what bills
we have, what it is like to handle the newly acquired rental property and Mom's estate,
etc. I have to call and wake him up every morning.This causes me to feel bitter and
resentful. I feel like his mother!

This is all I have time for today. May think of other things to add overnight. May start to work on the pros and cons for my other options. Thanks to all of you for taking the time to read. At the moment, I am still as confused as ever!

If Loving You Is Wrong.....

Every time that I hear that old song I think about P.I feel like such a bitch today. I went away alone last weekend to clear my head for a couple of days and came back with the same conclusion- that C and I should separate. He was not happy about this of course. He expected me to and said that I should have come back asking again for his forgiveness and asking him to join me in making this marriage work. What had he done that was so bad?

C left for a couple of days and went to stay with his folks. I was fine while he was gone. He was incredibly miserable. I felt like this was my fault. He told me that I was destroying him. We talked for a while on Monday evening before we went to purchase him a bed for the room that he had been staying in at his parents' house. I was tired that night and not feeling well to boot. I told him just to come back home, that there was no sense in going and buying a bed when we were unsure as ti how long this was going to last. He preceded to tell me that he wanted out marriage to work more than anything he had ever wanted in his life, that he did physically desire me more often than he showed but always thought that I was too tired or whatever, that he will get a job and help me more as far as household responsibilities are concerned. Who could say no to that? Well, not me. OK, so I agreed to give this one more try. You do have to understand that I have thirteen years invested in this and I am getting no younger.

The problem here? You know, I miss P. I try to tell myself that I am content with C. That I deserve more than what P can give me. But I still miss him. We have not talked in a week so I was feeling all strong and tough. I have been trying to convince myself that I really don't mean anything to him and that maybe he is just tired of the hassles and is ready to end this. He had not checked his email in ten days because RB was on his laptop a few weeks ago and a message popped up that he had new mail on our account. He had to try to BS his way out of that one.My computer (thankfully) has never done this. I don't know how or why that happened but I guess that he has been afraid to check it again. But he did last night. Now my head is spinning yet again. Why can I not just let him go and be happy with the man that is willing to give me all of him? Will this feeling go away? If I am doing the right thing why is it that I feel so bad?

Poop

Well, folks, we all knew that this day would come. The proverbial poop hit the fan last weekend. C now knows about my relationship with P. How did he find out? My dumb ass went out with a girlfriend last week for dinner, had a few drinks and did not realize that my cell phone was still on after I had tried to call C and see how close he was to home. I was sharing some details about my latest tryst with P (details to come!) and I thought that I had hung up my phone. Guess not! Big oops! He did not bring it up for a couple of days but how do I deny what he heard me say with his own ears?

Yes, I feel bad. I feel guilty. I feel sad. I am sorry that I hurt C. But in a strange way, I am relieved. I am a person who values honesty and for me to have "lived a lie" for this long has recked havoc on my nerves. I honestly believe that if I would promise C that I would never see P again and told him that I still wanted to be with him and work our marriage out, that he would agree to it. After the "unforgivable sin" that I have committed. After I ruined our marriage and broke up our "happy home." Everyone tells me that the only reason that he wants to stay with me is because of my recent inheritance. I really don't want to believe this about the man that I have been with for about thirteen years now but I really cannot understand why he would still want to stay with me after this. No, he still has no job and no place to go. Yes, I did ask him if he had a job and a place to go, would he still want to stay. He replied that he would miss me so much that he just wants to work things out. Really in my heart I just feel like it is over. But how to tell someone that who is crying and telling you how much they love you and that all they want to do is share their life with you?

WTF is wrong with me?

OK, so I am riding down the road in the passenger seat with C driving us to dinner. This week has been "that time of the month" for me and he knows this. He wants to know when I will be healed up "down there" because he is ready, he says. For those of you who are new, C and I have had sex very sporadically for the last couple (or more) years. Since my Mom has passed away, C has a renewed interest in me, including in the sexual sense. I however have become so accustomed to his derogatory comments about the way that I look, smell, taste, etc. that I have lost ALL sexual desire for him. As you can tell by reading my previous posts, I am not frigid by any means. But the mere thought of him touching me makes me nauseous. I don't know what to say to him when he wants to have sex with me. How many headaches can one person really have? I know that I am his wife and this is considered by most to be a "wifely duty" but I hate being with him. Do I just close my eyes and go to a happy place or what? Anyone else ever been here?